magic relationship ratio

relationship advice is usually vague garbage. "communicate better." "be more present." "show appreciation." thanks, but how do you actually measure whether your relationship is healthy? turns out there's a number for that.

the 5:1 ratio

psychologist john gottman studied thousands of couples and found that stable, happy relationships maintain a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. drop below that ratio and the relationship starts deteriorating — even if both people "love each other."

this isn't touchy-feely theory. gottman can predict whether a couple will divorce with 94% accuracy just by observing their interaction ratio for 15 minutes.

what counts as an interaction

positive interactions include: showing interest in their day, expressing affection, making them laugh, saying thank you, physical touch, active listening, giving a genuine compliment, taking their side.

negative interactions include: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, eye-rolling, dismissing their feelings, sarcasm, ignoring them.

notice that the negatives don't have to be dramatic fights. a single eye-roll in response to something your partner is excited about is a negative interaction. these small moments accumulate.

do the math

for one day, keep a mental tally of your interactions with your partner (or any close relationship). how many were positive? how many were negative? divide the positives by the negatives. if you're below 5:1, you have work to do — and now you have a specific, measurable target.

the power of this framework is that it turns the abstract concept of "relationship health" into something concrete.

shift the ratio today

you don't need to eliminate negative interactions — that's unrealistic. you need to flood the relationship with positive ones. five small acts of appreciation for every one moment of friction. that's the math of love, and it's more reliable than any amount of "working on communication."

if this resonated, share it with someone who needs to hear it.